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Joined: May 2004 Gender: Female Posts: 310 Location: San Bernardino, California
ASD and effects on the parents marriage « Thread Started on Jun 4, 2004, 4:26pm »
ASD and Effects on the Parents Marriage
IT IS ESTIMATED THAT 50 TO 75 PERCENT of marriages fail if a disabled child is in the family. Exact statistics vary widely depending on the source, but the numbers are always high. It is a fact: Having a child with autism is hard on a marriage and a family. It is difficult for a couple, particularly when they are young, to remain a couple and have a child who is so far from what they had anticipated. Further, other people become so involved with your life, such as doctors, therapists, teachers, and social workers, that it feels they have become part of your marriage. It is hard to remember that you are still the same two people who fell in love, married, and planned to live happily ever after.
How Mom Is Affected? Pregnancy is an exciting time for a woman. The growing child within her—as it begins to move and kick and then show a silhouette on an ultrasound—is the person she most anticipates meeting. It doesn't matter if it is a first child or the second or the tenth. This baby is the focus of all her thoughts. When the baby is born and the doctor announces whether it is a boy or girl, invariably the first question heard is, "Is everything alright?" And what a relief it is when all ten fingers and toes are present and there are no disabilities. A healthy child has come into the world A Child Regressing It is a shock to a mom when she sees the developmental progress made by her child beginning to slip away slowly. Her beautiful baby, now approaching the toddler stage, with his few words and joyful reactions to the world around him, is changing. The words are fewer and fewer until they are heard no more. The interactive baby, who chuckled and had sparkling eyes just looking at Mom, now seems enclosed in a world of darkness where no one else can go.Her child will no longer look at her, no longer try to learn new words or even use the already learned ones, and doesn't seem to hear her. What have I done wrong? is a very likely thought.
The Five Stages There are usually five stages in a child's life. But the stages are different when your child has autism. Infant—The hopes, dreams, and visions of a new life are shattered with the realization that something has gone wrong. Toddler—The realization begins to sink in that what was wrong isn't going away and must be coped with. Young school age—More dreams are lost as a child enters school and Mom can see the contrast between her child and other children. Older school age—Progress is made but concerns begin over challenges brought by puberty, adolescence, and the beginning of young adulthood. Adult—As the child becomes an adult, Mom becomes aware that she, too, is aging and she begins to worry what will happen to her child when she is gone. This is a lot for a young mother to absorb. And moms do think through all five stages within a few months of the diagnosis. Considering most children are diagnosed with autism before they (continued below)
Joined: May 2004 Gender: Female Posts: 310 Location: San Bernardino, California
Re: ASD and effects on the parents marriage « Reply #1 on Jun 4, 2004, 4:34pm »
are two, a mom lives an entire child's lifetime around the time two candles are on a birthday cake. Stress, fear, denial, anxiety, confusion, anger, depression, and sadness are inevitable. It may be one of the hardest times in a mother's life. Diagnosis and Adjustment Mothers are deeply affected when the process to diagnose their child begins. The protective and maternal instincts within a mother are natural, so her resentment toward all the "experts" who have suddenly intruded right into the middle of her family's life is normal. ESSENTIAL Mothers may feel especially frustrated when the experts can't give a diagnosis within a day or two. The testing for autism and the other related conditions can take quite some time, and frustration with medical personnel is also normal. The acceptance that will eventually come is at this point a long time off, and it is a tumultuous time.
Eventually all of the emotions that run amok within a mom will settle down, and although none of them ever disappear entirely, they become manageable and a sense of acceptance occurs. Mom will begin to accept that this is the situation and will begin to reset goals and plans, accommodating her child's needs and abilities within that framework. There will always be times when she feels sad or depressed; she will have spikes of anger at the situation when a problem arises that isn't easily solved, but she will have learned to accept and do what moms do best: Love. How Dad Is Affected Dads are also affected by the realization that their child has been diagnosed on the autism spectrum, but the reactions of a father are different than those of a mother. A mom needs to be aware that the reactions of her husband, although different, are normal. Infant—When a dad has a new infant, his pride and delight are unparalleled. When something goes wrong, it is hard for fathers to come to terms with the disability and they may take a long time to accept it. Usually a father grapples with acceptance longer than a mother. Toddler—Realization begins to force its way into a father's mind. Fathers will either react with acceptance of the problem and begin to find ways to solve it, or they will deny the problem exists and look to place blame with someone. Denial is a common reaction for men because they feel responsible for the events that occur within their family. Young school age—As a child enters school, fathers begin to see the deficits and often have trouble seeing the progress. It is important for therapists, physicians, and the child's mother to point out the progress being made so that the father can see the glass as half full. This stage is normal, and it will pass. Again, dads feel responsible and frustrated that they can't fix the problem. Older school age—This is a time where fathers really shine if they have come to acceptance, which most have by this stage. The progress is evident and now the issues are ones that men handle well. There are specific challenges to be met and problem solving is the needed skill. Dad will find his problem-solving skills to be very useful and he will feel less like a failure and more like a dad. Adult—Like Mom, Dad becomes aware that his child has become an adult and that he will not always be there to protect his son or daughter. Most likely, he has started estate and financial planning to protect his child, but he will work on solving the issues that will face his child even after mom and he are gone.
Joined: May 2004 Gender: Female Posts: 310 Location: San Bernardino, California
Re: ASD and effects on the parents marriage « Reply #2 on Jun 4, 2004, 4:39pm »
Learning to Cope Dad has a lot to absorb, just as Mom does. Men have different coping mechanisms than women do, so they will process and absorb all of this differently. It is important for Mom to remember that Dad's method of dealing with the diagnosis of their child is no less valid than her method. It may seem that a man isn't handling the situation well, and perhaps there is some denial involved, but given time the acceptance will occur. It is hard for parents to adapt to the loss of the dreams they had for their child, and there is a period of adjustment as Mom and Dad establish new goals. Men, as problem solvers, want to fix it. They want to fix it quickly and when they learn that they can't, they have to understand that they have not failed. It is not their fault the child has autism any more than it is the mother's fault. Women can do a lot to help their husbands adjust by understanding the psychology of wanting to "make it okay" that is often inherent to a male's nature. ALERT! A strong family is the key. For a father it is vital to maintain strong bonds with your spouse and your other children. Fathers need to provide the emotional and spiritual leadership, so that each family member does not have too great a burden.
Eventually acceptance will occur and a routine will be established. As these processes are happening, both Mom and Dad need to remember that their marriage is their first priority. Taking care of each other will enable them to take care of the rest of their family, and that includes their child with autism. Keeping ASD from Affecting the Marriage The strongest piece of advice most therapists will give a couple that has a child with autism is "Do not allow autism to become yourentire life." It is so easy to begin to eat, breathe, and sleep autism, but it will do no good—not for you, not for your spouse, and not even for your child. There is enough stress within a marriage to begin with, and adding autism to the mix only ratchets up that level of stress. What can be the results of stress in a marriage? Short tempers, communication difficulties, allowing your lives as a couple to drift apart, and the worst possible situation, turning to others rather than each other for companionship and support. Turning away from the marriage is not the solution. QUESTION? Autism has come between us. Now what do I do? When you are speaking with someone, you shouldn't say the words "you never" or "you always." Your spouse has different thoughts and approaching a conversation with "I feel" is the way to begin. It is possible your spouse is unaware of the problem and gentle communication will solve the problem. Although your child has autism or another disorder on the spectrum, you still have control of your life. If you allow ASD to become your entire life, you will socially isolate yourself. Turn to each other for support and go to events, support groups, and other activities as a couple to strengthen your bond. You can become stronger because of autism and not allow it to unravel your marriage. It just takes a little time, effort, and a lot of love. Maintaining and Creating Intimacy One of the most difficult things in a marriage, let alone a marriage with a disabled child, is maintaining the intimacy that is unique to marriage. When a couple goes from being a man and a woman to being a mom and a dad, they often find it hard to remember they are still a man and a woman! The special intimacy that you knew before you had a child is just as important, perhaps even more (continued below)
Joined: May 2004 Gender: Female Posts: 310 Location: San Bernardino, California
Re: ASD and effects on the parents marriage « Reply #3 on Jun 4, 2004, 4:44pm »
important, than it was before. Sexuality is not the most important thing in a marriage, but it is the glue that holds marriage together and it is also important to remember that intimacy is not always about sex. So how do you keep intimacy alive when you have children, and especially a child with special needs? Go out on a date with each other. Schedule an actual date, go out, and talk about anything but autism. Celebrate every occasion you can think of. Anniversaries of the first date, first kiss, first anything—just celebrate! Splurge on gifts for each other. You don't have to have a reason other than the fact that you love each other. Buy books on intimacy and sexuality. Have grandma watch the kids and go to a hotel for an evening. Enjoy each other like it was the first time. Give each other massages with no sexuality expected. Just make the other person relax and feel good. Plan a picnic and lie on the ground looking at the clouds. Tell each other what you see in the clouds. Whether or not you believe it, pretend. If you reincarnate into another life, what will each of you be? Remember, you are still the same woman and the same man who fell in love and got married. ASD has not changed that.
It isn't that hard to keep the spark alive or to relight it if the years have allowed the flame to go out. Remember, the child who has brought some extra challenges, and, yes, some stress as well, into your lives is a product of the love you have for each other. This child can only benefit from the closeness that you as a couple will have by the efforts you make to keep your intimate life alive. The Importance of Faith Knowing that couples with a special-needs child have a higher rate of divorce is the first defense to protect your marriage. Knowledge is the best defense, and the second best defense is a strong offense. It is important that both partners in the marriage put their relationship as one of their highest priorities in their lives. FACT It's all about priorities. First is your faith, second is your marriage, and third are your children. The fourth is your extended family. Then it is work, friends, hobbies, and whatever else is important. If you keep those priorities straight, life just seems to fall into place. The priorities of your life are what will keep your marriage together. Keeping them in the proper alignment and place within your life will make life with an autistic child much easier to cope with and help keep your marriage healthy. Everyone has a faith they follow. It may be Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, or any number of faiths that people around the world believe. If you are agnostic or atheist, that, too, is a faith, because it is a belief structure about the world around you. Regardless of what you believe, it is important that it be the highest priority in your life. This is the foundation of who you are, how you make decisions, and how you interact with everyone and everything in your life. The risk in allowing your belief system to fall to a secondary placement in your life is that you can lose yourself. This doesn't mean going to a place of worship every week or conducting any particular rituals. It means keeping that relationship between yourself and the universe intact and doing what you need to do to keep that relationship healthy. It may be prayer, it may be meditation, or it may be a social service that you do to improve the human condition. Whatever it is, don't neglect it, because it is who you are. It is impossible to be part of any relationship if you are on shaky ground with your own identity.
Joined: May 2004 Gender: Female Posts: 310 Location: San Bernardino, California
Re: ASD and effects on the parents marriage « Reply #4 on Jun 4, 2004, 4:48pm »
Making Your Spouse a Priority After your belief system, the most important priority in your life is your spouse. People, and especially mothers, tend to let this priority slip from its proper placement, putting their children above their marriage. Although it sounds noble to not put anything above your children, in reality it is harmful for everyone, including the children. If anything is more important to you than your marriage, your marriage is at risk of failing. It is the foundation of the family. ALERT! One of the best things you can do for yourself, for your marriage, and for your children is to take a few minutes each day to pray, meditate, or have a quiet time. It will rebalance and refresh your spirit. Everything will seem easier to manage. Many people feel that statements such as these are a sign of poor parenting and state they would feel guilty putting another adult, even a spouse, above their children. However, it is not a matter of viewing one person as more important than another. It is an understanding of how we need to attend to the obligations and responsibilities of our lives. A child cannot feel secure and grow up to the best of his ability if the family's foundation is insecure. If a child's parents love each other and work hard to create the best relationship they possibly can, the child will feel that security within her own life. It has been said that there is no greater gift a father can give his children than to love their mother. It is also true that a mother can show nothing greater to her children than to love their father. Children as a Priority Most parents have no difficulty with this one! Children become the lights of our lives, and it doesn't take long for that to happen. Regardless if they have autism or not, these children are still the hope of our future. Children are the gift that brings joy, happiness, frustration, irritation, laughter, tears, and every emotion there is right into the center of our lives. Many times, it is hard, particularly for dads, to remember that they must keep their children above their work. Careers are a lifelong project, and an occupation doesn't always understand that a child's needs are more important than a deadline at the office. It is so easy to be caught up in the mentality of "it has to be done right now." In reality, the only jobs that have to be done "right now" are those of trauma surgeons and the like. So, if you are a physician, paramedic, firefighter, or have a career along those lines, you have to make some extra efforts to keep your job in its proper perspective without ignoring the needs of those who depend on you. For the bulk of people, most career obligations can fit into a normal workday. There is nothing that should keep you from your child's soccer games, concerts, or other activities that are part of the growing-up process. There will be many activities that your child with autism will participate in, and it is important you be there. Yes, there will be times you can't attend an activity or be at a doctor's appointment without risking your job, and in those situations all you can do is do your best. Ask yourself if what you are doing at work is truly something you can't leave or if it is a self-imposed deadline. And if it is something you are putting on yourself, take some time to analyze your priorities. Valuing Extended Family Most people are part of a larger family unit; there are grandparents, in-laws, cousins, and other people who are part of your life. Those family members are important to you, your spouse, and your child. Growing up within an extended family is a wonderful privilege and provides another layer to a secure foundation for children. Extended family can be there to help you, just as you help them, and be part of very special relationships and memories.
Joined: May 2004 Gender: Female Posts: 310 Location: San Bernardino, California
Re: ASD and effects on the parents marriage « Reply #5 on Jun 4, 2004, 4:52pm »
However, it is important to not let the extended family relationships take over your life. This is where your priority system really can actively come into play and assist you in how you conduct your life. In any family, there are social occasions to attend. Parties, showers, weddings, and other celebrations are part of the family experience. Most of these are good for the family and very good for children, but don't let them dictate your own family's schedule. ESSENTIAL Many times during the year, particularly during the Christmas holidays, families find themselves going in fifty directions at once to do everything they want and what is expected of them. This year create a quieter holiday, and see if the sensory overload on your child is lessened. Pacing your family's schedule is important. If your child is easily overstimulated by too much activity, chose family occasions that are the least stressful on your child. If you are involved in activities two or three times a week, you and your children might become too exhausted to attend to your own family. Saying "no" occasionally to various get-togethers is sometimes the best decision. Explain to your extended family the situation with your child and involve them in the life of your child, and they will learn about him. Involve grandparents in the life of your child with autism. This can be a difficult and touchy relationship at times, but understanding a few things about how they may be thinking can save many hurt feelings.Families have been created from love and for love, and although we can't choose our families, we can choose how to interact with them. Handling Your Work If you already have a career established when you learn that your child has autism, it would be wise to schedule a meeting with your immediate supervisor and explain the situation. Have with you a few printouts about autism that you can leave with your boss if she is unfamiliar with the condition. Don't put a scientific journal in front of her, but provide some basic information about autism that explains exactly what is unique about the autism spectrum. Remember, knowledge is power, and your supervisor's understanding about what is going on will prevent misunderstandings in the future should you require time away from work due to your child's condition. FACT Many doctors now have at least one evening a week that they see patients. Try to find therapists and physicians who are available after you leave work to help relieve some of the stress of scheduling appointments. If you don't know of a doctor with convenient hours, ask at a support group meeting. When you explain to your employer that your child has autism, emphasize this will not affect your work performance. Keep in mind that your employer, as nice as she may be, is there to run a business and her priority is to make that business function as perfectly as possible. Reassure your supervisor that your job performance will remain the same and that you hope to continue to advance in your work over the coming years. The only factor that might be an issue will be physician appointments, school meetings, and other meetings relative to planning your child's future. Also, volunteer to make up any missed time. If you work for a large company, ask if there is a way that your company can become involved with autism awareness causes. Many companies will rally behind an employee who has a child on the spectrum and donate money to various fundraising campaigns. Friends, Hobbies, and Everything Else Life is good. It is a bit overwhelming at times, particularly when you have just learned your child has autism. But it is good and full and there is no reason it will not continue to be that way. Never allow yourself to think that because autism is now part of your life that all of the people and interests you have had over the years will no longer be something you can enjoy. You have a child with autism— the world has not ended. Friends are a link to sanity. Meeting with them on a regular basis is part of our mental health. It reminds us there is a world out there, and conversations beyond how to take care of children are a welcome escape. The thing to be careful of is reliance on friends more than on a spouse, if you are married, or being with friends so much that other parts of your life are neglected. Visit with friends and make plans to do things that have nothing to do with autism, but keep those relationships in their proper perspective. Hobbies, sports, and activities of any kind are healthy for a person, both mentally and physically. If you enjoyed certain hobbies before, there is no reason you should not continue to do so. Again, keep them in the proper perspective. You may be used to going skiing every weekend; perhaps now you need to plan to go once a month or work it into a schedule that keeps your other priorities in order. If you and your spouse love world travel, like cruises for example, don't think you will never go on another cruise again because you have a child with autism. Yes, you will have to make some adjustments, but you will be able to do all the things that are important to you and your family. You will learn the skills to integrate autism into your life. Your experience will grow and you will become more confident in your understanding of ASD.
Joined: Jun 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 2 Location: UK
Re: ASD and effects on the parents marriage « Reply #6 on Jun 8, 2005, 11:06am »
We have a wonderful bonkers 6 year old. I'm an educationalist and suspected early on what my sons condition might be. My partner on the other hand, is from a very different background (I'm one of 7 in a big working class family) he was bought up in what I consider a very non tactile academic family, I also suspect that his brother and sister are high achieving autistic people.
The problem is my partner doesn't seem to accept the diagnosis, he sees much of what our son does as 'normal' even though our son has been assessed and has a statement and all the professionals agree that he is on the spectrum. Here upon the problems start, introvert, obbsessive, depressive, angry, self harming behaviour isn't 'normal' stuff' and I want to do everything in my power to provide my son with the time to be 'autistic' to develop in any way he wants and to put into place strategies to help with the more destructive and depressing nature of the condition and I CAN'T do this without his Dad's help and acceptance and it's breaking my heart. And yes, I do believe his Dad is Autistic too, any advice would be gratefully recieved. Bee
Re: ASD and effects on the parents marriage « Reply #7 on Aug 30, 2005, 12:05pm »
This is an excellent post!!
My husband and I have been married 21 years, and yes, there have been times that our son has been the main focus of our marriage, especially during those early years. I remember all too well, the doctor visits, the constant worrying. Do I still worry, yes, but not to the same degree as when he was younger; it helps that we have another child...this did help my husband and I from dwelling too much on our son.
Because he is doing exceptionally well, the worry is no longer a worry of dread. My husband and I just do what we have to do in order to make sure he succeeds in life.
In our marriage, I have always been more of the worry wart. The way in which I worry, has no doubt affected our relationship. Most if not all parents worry about their child's well fare, but this is in my opinion a different kind of worry, and I believe as a couple you have to realize that there are different issues to address when a family has a special needs child of any kind!
Yes, it can be a challenge to keep a family together, but it is worth it at the same time. I keep reminding myself that no family is without some kind of challenge in life, whether it be a child or another issue.
By the way, I'm new to this forum and I'm glad to be a part of it!
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